The worst day ever, since the day I remembered

Well, this is just another post for me to gather up those shit that happened and dump..

Usually the hates or what-ever-feeling-I'm-having will fade away as more words were typing out.

So, let's see will it work this time..

I was a daddy's and mummy's daughter that I treasure my family very much. Their feeling were actually priority to me that I would FFK the dates with my other friends when they ask me to stay at home.

The last thing I want in the world is to show the others my unhappiness during a trip, a hanging out session and etc. I don't like to hear the questions like: "What happened?", "Why are you looking sad?", "Any trouble you're having?", "Do you need some help?", and something similar...

This is becaused, I don't want to hear some negative comments on my family from my friends. In the case when the one hurting my feeling was member of my family, of course.

Here, I knew tolerance is important in maintaining a relationship, whether it's with your family, your friendships, or the relationship with your partner. And I also knew that both of us were tried to understand the other parties' thinking and gave in for some things sometimes. However, I also found out that, she NEVER thought that we were gave up on the arguments with her most of the time. All she knew were, she was the only person that gave in, sacrificed, and bearing all the pain..
I was like: WHAT THE FUCK?? So you think you're the poorest person in the world? Ookayyy.....

Then, here were the cases that bring me here again.....

These days, she called the renovation workers on her plan to renovate the kitchen. And out of nowhere, she wants they calc the budget on renovate for the toilet linked to my room. It's okay for me at first, since I'm not gonna be home for the weekdays that time. So I was like: well, you can do whatever you like as long as it didn't troubled me.

Ends up, they starts to renovate on weekends as well, so I'm surrounded by the "derr derr derr zrukk zrukk zrukk dokk dokk dokk" sounds when I got back home. But that's still ok, since they're at the back, outside the kitchen, with door closed.

Who knows, before I'm going out again, she asked me to clean out my room 'cause the workers will have to do something in the toilet. Well, renovation, I mean. So I cleared up the obvious-messy-stuffs and don't know what else can I "CLEAN". Then I told her: erm, I don't really know what else should I clear out, you can do it for me then..

**Since she gave me a choice on: 1. Letting her to clean/clear out my stuff in my room, or 2. I can do it myself**

After I went out and met my brother on the other weekends, I hear the updates on the situation: I'll get the blabbling when I meet my mum....*Oww, okayy..*

Then there it is, I met her, and figured out that she do not JUST clear my things out of my room, but OPENED everything and mad on me...*Alrightt.....==*

Then I thought the story ends right here. Still acceptable.

She suggesting us to have our dinner back in KL in the morning as I told her I'm not going back on that weekend. Can treat my aunt as well as she took care of me for months when I'm not in KL. Then maybe I can follow her car back if I'm really not going to stay in KL that night. It sounds great, so I'm so happy that I don't have to pass my weekend's dinner alone.

Afterwards, she changed her mind and suggesting Klang instead of KL. Both of us, me and my bro don't really feels like going there for dinner that night. He told her about our thinking, then he got shot, which were in my expectation somehow.

My bro was planned to go for archery session with his best friends, and this plan attracted me, so I asked to follow him on his plan and approved. Since both of us were going back, we drive home.

She said we could straightaway join them since the archery session was in the Shah Alam area and it's nearby Klang. Then the idea was accepted and the final plan will be: Archery (SA)>> Dinner(K) >> back KL>> leave KL **my plan**.

We have had our fun on the archery session, then the tea time on the shop lot nearby, and heading Klang for dinner. The dinner was great, for the chitchatting, the meal, the people **all my relative including my bro's best friend**, etc.

Everything was going so well that I'm starts of thinking I'm having the great month to end my 2012.

Then we reached home after sent my bro's best friend home. I was tired to drive that time so I've decided to overnight in KL and leave earlier in the morning. Then I switched on the game console to play as a little celebration on my relaxable-kawaii-weekend/holiday.

And they reached home after that. She was complaining on the dirt on my jacket that she couldn't clean it off.  And thus complaining me on not taking good care on my own stuff. **Which I found my DIY-satay-stick-summer-house was spoilt mostly by her while clearing my stuff out of my room**

P.S. my room is clean as a new room that going to rent to someone else, just left a bed frame, 2 tables with a novel, my kiddy-shelf, and a mirror. So I told her I'm gonna sleep in the living room.

Right when she got back home, I'm turning off the console and TV as it's a bit late, 11 in the night, preparing to sleep on the bedsheet i put infront the TV shelf as usual. She then claim to watch the TV so I turn it on for her and tune to the channel she wants. When I'm going to lay on the bed sheet, here she comes. She starts the argument with the jacket I said just now, with dirt. This is actually happens while she should be sleepy but stayed in living room. So I'm just bluffing with her, act in concern with whatever she said.

She's going further and further during the conversation and finally split out:" Yea, I'm annoyed to saw you here in the house!"

This was the phrase that pissed me off..I've been away on the weekdays for months and all I'm awaited every weeks were the weekends that I could go back my home in KL. And few weeks past, I was innocently been scold for some things I never did, maybe my bro did, by my father. He never asked who did it, who messy it up, but straightaway pull the arrow towards my direction and shot. That time I already felt that what's the point for me to purposely going back every weekends for being scold for something stupid and the fault by other people?
But the last time he scold was on the week before his birthday, so I still went back KL for his birthday celebration..

Then, now. What I got was the phrase threw out from my mum's mouth. And what did I do? Just for the dirt on the jacket?? And I could swore to the sky or the God and to everything that, I didn't placed anything on top of it *what she claim the dirt came from*, I just realized the square-like-different-color-spot shown out all of sudden on the inner part of the jacket, cannot be seen when I wear it also. So, GOD KNOWS HOW THE DIRT FORMED?? I even hang it up with the inner-side out, is it possible for something to be PLACED on top of the SURFACE of the jacket *breast part* while it is HANGED?? 

Brilliant, mum, brilliant...

AND, just to remind, this argument came from the dirt of the jacket...WHAT THE FUCK??

I've cared so damn much of your feelings and now you told me my appear in the house annoyed you..

I hide myself in the empty room while my tears bursting out..
I've never got so serious in our previous arguments, but this really hurt me the most..Which children in the world could withstand that phrase when it's coming out from their parent's mouth? From the person they treasured the most?

Few minutes after I've hide in the room, the thought of: since you don't like to have me in your house, why don't I just leave? So I just went down and told my dad I'm going back to my aunt's place as I have to work on the other day and my uniforms were there. It's 11.30pm and I think it's still not too late for me to reach my aunt's place. I  grabbed my house and car keys before my dad could say anything and then she talks again :" you better don't think of just going back like that."

I was like: WHAT THE FUCK? WHO THE FUCK THAT CAUSED THIS HAPPENED? You should have thought of the happens of this situation when you SAID it. I'm just a normal person that feels, hot blood...

Then I asked :" Well then, you said I annoyed you, so I'm leaving, and now you don't allow me to leave?!"
Her replied was :" Yes. Of course. Do you think you can drive while you're in tempered?"

Oh please, I wouldn't as stupid as those people that would do something that risk their life when they got mad. AND, how could you not knowing this? FUCK.

Me, lazy of argument, sprint back up into my room, locked myself up.

Thousandth and thousands times that I've think: Why the hell I'm coming back KL? Why don't I just stayed there alone, at least I'll be million times happier and freer...I couldn't even do whatever I want now, now driving back out and leave this house with her inside.

For the first time ever, I've thought of: It'll be great if I could just die that night, then it might just leaving all the guilt to her to feels that I'm dead while hating her and she's the cause of my death. Dangerous mind.

For more than millions time I thought: What actually did I done? Why I have to undergo all these hatred from my parents like for every weekends when I got back home? Isn't they miss me? Or just she have to work on the weekdays as well so my absence was meant nothing to her?

I was crying the whole night until I fall asleep unknowingly....

When I woke up on the other day, 31st of Dec, I knew that I still have to work, so I just washed my face and leave the house. For the first time I know what was meant by the "bloat(?) eyes" if cried for the whole night. So I put on my glasses (w/o degree) while going to work when I realized it doesn't turn any better than few hours ago when I just woke up.

I've turn my sad feeling off while working, as usual, as I don't like to spread this feeling to the others. So do their comforts.. I'll feel very unsecured for exposing my own true feeling to the others and I just don't know why. I like to hear the stories from others and comforting whoever got hurt, but definitely not with myself on their role.

It proved that my turning on and off system works very well, seems like I'm getting more and more PRO on this. No ones know about this, no ones know that some thing was happened on me last night, no ones know that, i got hurt so bad...

Somehow, I feels lucky for not being known about this incident, but deep in my heart, I'm still hoping someone would figure out I'm actually acting to be a little bit hyper and too excited in my last day for the internship. I'm actually awaiting someone to approach to care and ask me about what's happening, and I always hope that, there's someone that I could think of in the first place and approach to tell everything that happened without hesitating....

And for all the time, this person does not exist.

-zWei-